Birthday Post, Pt. 1

I woke up this birthday morning unable to shake this line:
"Rejoice, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

I remember exactly one year ago joking with my friends about turning 25.  You know, they say you begin dying at 25.  You are no longer more than 51% living; you are, instead, 51% dying -- it has something to do with your oxygen intake or consumption or something.  I don't really know.  But I know I'm on my way out, and no longer on my way in.

So the dreams that have been created, and the hope for influence, and the stir-craziness in my soul to do something worthwhile -- those things I want to start doing.  And not just thinking about doing.  I want to see dreams come to reality.  I'm on my way out, you know........

25 was quite the year.  Maybe one of the most eventful in a long time.

Ann Voskamp says, "joy and pain -- they are but two arteries of one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living."

This little gem of a statement has defined much of my 25th year on earth.

Joy.  Joys abounding.
New roommates.  A new, cozy home.  Meals with friends.  Laughter in car rides.  Songs that speak in ways words never could.  Living in brutal, beautiful honesty.  My support team.  Tanning on the beach with friends.  BGSU Greeks.  Living in the face of seemingly debilitating fear.  Free Kenny Chesney concert on the beach.  Chasing for the real over counterfeit.  Friendship.  The Color Run.  BG CRU.  The Seifferts.  Kala Butler.  Ashley Rozelle.  The Butler gang.  Fireworks.  Trips to the breathtaking San Diego and Arizona.  Redeeming misfit sins.  Celebrating.  Cookie cakes.  Friends marrying the loves of their lives.  Taking risks.  Late-night TBS Friends marathons.  Learning the art of gratefulness.  Language.  BG CRU staff team.  Opening myself up to love, and romance, and marriage dreams.  Allowing my heart to wonder.  Sunsets.  Mornings with coffee and the Bible.  Beholding the underwater beauty while snorkeling.  Praying.  Making decisions by sheer faith.  Full-out wrestling with God.  Love, and the darlingness of it.  Worship.  Beauty platformed.  Pumpkins.  Back roads.  North Carolina.  People believing in Jesus for the first time.

And yet, yet........

Pain.  Pains deep.
Heartbreak.  Insecurity.  Uncertainties.  Begging God for other ways & options...and Him not giving them.  Finances.  Shattered dreams.  Slavery.  Questioning God.  Excavation of the soul.  Wrestling.  Sleepless nights.  Break up.  Armor to shield the weapons.  Grief.  Skepticism.  Distrust.  Reflecting.  Loss.


Joy and pain -- two arteries of one heart of those who don't numb themselves to living. 

25.  Fully alive.  Feeling the elation of joys.  Feeling the pierce of pain.

I'd rather live with a fleshy, soft heart, than a cold, stony heart.  Through the joys.  and the pains.

It's been a year.  I wouldn't trade the past year for anything.  Beauty for ashes.

For those of you who were written into my story of the 25th chapter -- thank you for walking with me.  We are sojourners on mission with others.  My life is blessed because of you.

Mat Kearney says this in one of my favorite songs of the year... "that was the real you singin' hallelujah lookin' down a barrel."

It's been a bit of a "lookin' down the barrel" year in many regards.  But, I resolve. 
Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!

Rejoice, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.  Indeed.