If anyone knows me at all, you know Wags can keep her cool pretty well. Not much tends to rattle this ol' soul -- most likely because I'm an off-the-chart Myers Briggs' P.
But not today, people. For whatever reason, I'm starting to mildly freak out. I'm starting to feel like I need to hold on for dear life. Like I am in desperate need for control; like I am in desperate need for some answers.
I'm scared that the things that used to make me come alive, no longer do.
I'm scared that moving somewhere is just running away.
I'm scared of taking risks.
I'm scared of putting all of me into something, for fear I might get hurt.
I'm scared of wasting my life.
I'm scared of being different and taking the untrodden road.
I'm scared of dying in an empty hospital room; I'm scared of an empty funeral home.
I'm scared of becoming numb.
I'm scared of living a life that doesn't count.
I'm scared there's more to this life that I'm missing out on and that I may never experience it.
I'm scared that I'm not meeting expectations.
I'm scared of never feeling fully alive this side of heaven.
I'm scared of looking back with regret.
What do ya do, people? I have no answers.
What do you do when you're 24, when you dreamt life would be more than this, when you feel restless for something you're not sure what it is? What do you do when it seems easier to bag up your childhood dreams and settle for mediocrity? What do you do when your soul longs for something more and you're trapped by the confines of this skin and these bones?
Honest thoughts, honest questions.
Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” - James 4.
ReplyDeleteThis 24 year old has written&spoken the same thoughts with different words. And while the freak outs are still there, God has spoken some tender words of rebuke through this passage. What is my life? Even if I had plans or achievements or dreams that would satisfy my fears, they amount to nothing if the Lord does not allow it. Maybe that doesn't help and I feel like one freaker-outer talking to another ... but it's really nice to know i'm not alone in this :) love you lots!