Thanksgiving fail

Every year, as November rolls around, it seems like every good American makes a deliberate effort to be thankful.  To be thankful for specific things, even.

And so, this year, I decided to do the same.  I committed to, every day, write a few things of my own I found myself thankful for.

Wow, what a list that could've been!  But ugly confession: it never got created.

My heart SO does not gravitate toward gratitude.  My heart SO does not naturally gravitate toward giving thanks for the things God has done, for the things He's given, for the things He's called me out of (nor for the things He calls me to), etc.

Instead, honestly, my heart so easily gravitates toward the me-centered things, how the world doesn't work in MY favor, toward the things I want and don't have, toward my own distorted thinking that says God is holding out on me, etc.

So, my thankfulness list of November never got created, and I wish I could say I, at least, spent Thanksgiving Day full of gratitude, full of joy, and full of praise toward the One I claim as my Savior and Provider.  I wish I could say, that for just one day, I was able to put aside my pride, my selfishness, and my discontent...but I can't.

As a matter of fact, I spent Thanksgiving Day pretty grumpy.  While I read of friends' sweet text messages, Facebook statuses, and Tweets claiming thankfulness, joys shared with their family, and wishing for others celebration of gratitude...I sat grumpy.  I sat grumpy at the Thanksgiving table!  Who does that (other than pre-pubescent teens complaining they don't like green bean casserole)?!  I sat there tired, I sat there bitter like I should have rights to things I didn't have, I argued trying to prove my point that I was right about something, I wanted to punch my family for not being good listeners, and I sat all weekend busy being critical and judgmental of my family.

What goes on inside my soul can be so ugly.  And if I'm being honest, the more and more I'm confronted with the ugliness that can be found within myself, the more and more I'm tempted to hide...the more and more I'm tempted to try and make my own soul beautiful...and, ironically, the more and more I'm tempted to deny the fact that I need a savior to save me from my own self.

I'm tempted to believe, that in my ugliness, God can find no delight in me.  I'm tempted to believe, that until I clean up the ugliness of my own soul, I cannot approach God.  I'm tempted to believe that God has no desire to have anything to do with me until I'm "cleaned up" on the inside.

But here's one thing I am thankful for everyday: that God says He DOES want something to do with me even while I'm a total disaster.  He says He DOES want for me to approach Him even while the inside of my soul may look like the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina...and even in that horrendous wreckage, He finds great delight and joy.

I want to be more deliberate to live with a grateful heart -- for the things to be grateful for are abundant.  However, I know that with this soul that's prone to wander, I will fail to live the way that I wish -- with an overwhelmingly thankful heart.  So, I will rest in the belief that God finds great joy in me even when I fail...and for that, I will forever be thankful.

(And a small piece of redemption: I did end up spending a few moments post-Thanksgiving (out of sheer discipline), listing out a small portion of the things I am thankful for.  You can read that incoherent list here if you're super ambitious).